Tonight is a mixed bag for bedtime. My son typically takes 1 mg of melatonin an hour before bedtime. This helps him transition into sleep very, very easily. Melatonin has been a god-send for our family. My son has a history of very bad sleep habits dating back to babyhood. He doesn't seem to be able to slow down his thinking enough to fall asleep. This lack of sleep has caused some really bad stuff over the years. We've gone through the hallucination phases, the schizo – like phases and the out of control, kicking out windows phases. In retrospect I can attribute all of our really, really scary times to a lack of sleep on his part.
Enter melatonin a few months ago. Now, my son still has a lot of issues and tantrums and rages but he actually sleeps at night again. This is great for his mental health and is amazing for mine. However, I've recently started to worry about his ability to sleep without the medication and for some unknown reason, I decided that tonight was the night to test out 'sleeping without medicine'. *sigh So, we have had a perfect night. Supper was fantastic, then straight to bubble baths and homework, looking at photo albums, into bed and a small story from mom. No better evening exists for us. Of course tonight there is a problem. No melatonin and so far, no sleep.
I give my son high marks and massive credit, there has been no meltdown. He has wiggled around his room, read a book in the dark and tried to re-hang some pictures... quietly. He is laying in bed, doing his best while I sit outside his door and hope that he will sleep. It's been 42 minutes now. Not really a lot in the grand scheme of things. Problem is, now is when the doubt starts in.
Should I have given him the medicine? Should I have given him half a pill? Would a lavender scented bath have worked better? Should I have a rum and coke now or later? Or both?
The hardest part of being the mom (and the dad for some of you) is the second guessing. What if, what if, what if! I can ask this question 100 times in a day. How could I have been a better parent, a smarter parent, more loving or more firm? What could I have done different to make everything alright for my child. Some days I exhaust myself on this question and I have to work very hard to give myself a break.
I also have to remember to give my son a break. He is also doing the best that he can. If tonight is not successful, then another night will be. If he cannot make it without medication, then he will make it with medication. Together we will find the right solution, the right answer. It will not be the 'pie in the sky' that I want, but it will be enough. And sometimes you get what you need.
So tonight, I am sitting in the hallway, sipping a rum and coke and silently encouraging my son to sleep. One way or another, we'll be alright.
ps. 73 minutes until sleep. What a great night!
i feel the same way. i second guess everything i do and worry that i am somehow making things worse for my kids. i have so much guilt over things i could have should have done in their early life even though i know it does no good to live in the past. this road is so slow and each day can bring a new twist but it's the road we signed up for, or at least that's what i tell myself.
ReplyDeleteI confess, I thought love could conquer all. Ha, what did I know! We're getting there slowly but it is hard to forgive myself for mistakes I've made.
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