The Mother In Law

Oct 26, 2010

The Mother In Law

From the title alone you might wonder what this post has to do with adoption or special needs children. It doesn't. Feel free to skip this blog if your not interested in the rest of our family dynamics.

My MIL moved to the area this past weekend. Well, moved might be too strong of a word. We have coerced her into a 'rehab facility', code word for assisted living. For the last 18 months the doctors have been telling her time and again that she cannot live alone. She has been informing us that she can live alone just fine. It's been a tough 18 months for all of us.

After each fall or each breathing attack (she is on oxygen 24 hrs a day) she would inform us all that she was fine, could take care of herself, did not need a caregiver, did not want meals on wheels, did not want anything. Then as her family we would sit back and watch her deteriorate over the next 6 - 8 weeks, waiting for the next fall or ER visit. Ask me how I spent every holiday last year? It was horrible.

This most recent fall was the worst. It entailed broken ribs, bruised knees and a banged up head. A friend took her to the ER where MIL insisted that she was fine and checked herself out that night. The next day she was back in the ER due to the pain. 6 weeks of rehab and she was ready to be released from the nursing home. Where would she go? Home, of course.

Not this time. We have told her that she has to do additional rehab and have brought her the 200 miles to be closer to us. Being sharp as a tack, she knows we're lying but is unsure what to do. In her mind she knows she can't live alone but she wants to so she resists staying. She has been here for 3 days. On day 2 she packed in the morning because 'aren't you taking me home today?'. We unpacked again. In the evening of day 2 she asked for trashbags to pack her belongings in because 'we're going home this weekend, right?'. No again. At the same time, she can't stand long enough to make a cup of coffee without a fear of falling down. While opening the fridge, she cut herself and bled terribly. Luckily, a nurse was at the facility.

For the last 18 months the family has known that MIL was a danger to herself and was consistently making poor health choices. Everything from refusing to have food delivered when she was not strong enough to cook herself to refusing to take her medication. We have run the gamut. During this time we have all looked for advice and help on how to get MIL to let us help or get her help. Never once did I find the answer 'force the issue, make her move'.

We did force the issue. We did make her move. We won't take her back. We also feel like dog crap for doing it. But interestingly, after we did this people have come out of the woodwork to tell us their own personal stories like this. How they had to force an aunt or father or other loved one into a nursing home or assisted living facility. Two and three years after the fact you can still see the hurt on their face and in their voice when they talk about the abuse heaped upon them for making their loved one get help.

So far, we're doing better than that but I'm sure the big guns will come out soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get the brunt of her anger because as the daughter-in-law she can't hurt me nearly as much as she can hurt her son. I hope that she settles in and likes where she is staying. I hope that I can use my cute children and cute dog to cut into her resistance. Only time will tell.