The Crossroads
We are hitting the cross roads of transition problems and separation anxiety coupled with some control issues. Whew, what a mess. My son has a problem with transitions. He always has but as he has matured he has been better able to handle the normal, every day transitions of school vs. home vs. going out to eat. Most people will read that last statement and think, 'ah, yes, I remember when little johnny wouldn't come out of the McDonalds play area and would scream like a banshee when it was time to go'. Now take that
same thought and put in on a six year old who needs to go to school or a playdate or just to bed. Separation is very hard on my little boy. He is getting much, much better but things like the end and beginning of school are particularly tough for him.
For us, the end result of a transition battle is a separation anxiety problem. I have just thown a HUGE tempertantrum over the end of a playdate and now I need to see my mommy. Not only see her but touch her and hold her and be with her ... only not really... because attachment disorder says that she cannot handle my dispair and I must take care of myself so I must scream and push her away.
Getting the picture yet?
Tonight we had another tornado of transition, separation and control issues. A tornado is my best description because I really cannot figure out where one starts and the other begins. It is just crazy here. It is the end of the school year so I expect this but expecting it is not the same as living through it. I worry that my son will never learn how to control this storm of emotions inside of him. I think we need professional advice again. Luckily, I can still go back to our therapist to get advice. She doesn't have a magic wand but she does have a lot more experience than I do. She has a lot of ideas.
Fingers crossed. We will make it to summer.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Blue Chair
The Blue Chair
Today, we graduated to the blue chair.
Ok, this might not sound exciting to many people but for me it is cause for celebration. My son asked me today 'will you be outside the door or in the blue chair'. I am in the blue chair. See, the blue chair is downstairs, not outside my son's second story bedroom door. The blue chair is in front of the t.v. The blue chair is freedom.
If I am in the blue chair I can talk on the phone without worrying so much that my children are listening. If I'm in the blue chair I can run to the kitchen really fast. If I'm in the blue chair, I am one BIG step further away from my son. I am in the blue chair.
In the past year I have seen my son progress so much. He is working hard on becoming independent. He works on picturing me at home or in the car. He is working on feeling safe and confident. He is doing great.
He is doing great, but the blue chair... the blue chair is amazing.
Today, we graduated to the blue chair.
Ok, this might not sound exciting to many people but for me it is cause for celebration. My son asked me today 'will you be outside the door or in the blue chair'. I am in the blue chair. See, the blue chair is downstairs, not outside my son's second story bedroom door. The blue chair is in front of the t.v. The blue chair is freedom.
If I am in the blue chair I can talk on the phone without worrying so much that my children are listening. If I'm in the blue chair I can run to the kitchen really fast. If I'm in the blue chair, I am one BIG step further away from my son. I am in the blue chair.
In the past year I have seen my son progress so much. He is working hard on becoming independent. He works on picturing me at home or in the car. He is working on feeling safe and confident. He is doing great.
He is doing great, but the blue chair... the blue chair is amazing.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Birth Parent Search
The Birth Parent Search
We are currently discussing the birth parent search. This sounds like a simple question. Do I search for the birth parents of my children or not? This seems like a simple question with a simple answer. Of course. Then I have access to medical information and personal information for my children. But the real question is... do I search for the birth parents of my children?
I am finding this to be a tough question in many ways. I would be lying if I said that I don't find this threatening to me as a mom. The birthmom has done nothing wrong in the eyes of my children. She has never said 'no' to unhealthy snacks. She has never enforced bedtime. She has never yelled in anger. She is a saint. While I know she has never spent 4 nights in the hospital when my son was sick or coached my daughter in fractions, these are things easily forgotten by seven year olds. While we talk about the birthmom freely in our house, she is still a mystery and shrouded in fairy tales. If my chilren are the Repunzel equivilent, what am I?
And then there is the birth father. A complete absense in the history of my children. I believe he takes up one line in the report of the birth family. My husband has no competition. I am both envious of my husband and saddened for my children. There is absolutely no way for us to ever find the birth father.
So now what?
Against ever fiber of my mommy-being, I believe that we will have to search for the birth mother. At sometime, my chilren will deserve to know and to make the decision to meet her or not. I can see the heartache in my future, but being a good mother means putting your children first and I believe that my children will need this connection. I am still planning on putting this off for another year and I will not tell my children until they are older, but I will have the information waiting for them when they are ready.
When will they be ready?
Well, actually, I don't know. My kids are already asking a lot of questions about Guatemala. It holds an almost mythical quality to them. They know it is their birthplace and they want to see it. They want to go back. They are seven now and I believe we will take them to latin america before they are ten. I think this will be a tough, emotional trip for them and I want them to take it before they are old enough to pull back from me. I want to be able to be there for them when they have questions.
For our trip to Guatemala, I'm unsure at what age we will actually travel. I am not comfortable in the country right now. I don't believe it is terribly safe. On the other hand (I have many hands) safe or not, we will need to make the trip. Perhaps twelve or thirteen will be the right age.
Some people might wonder why I am thinking so hard about something that is so far away. I have a good reason. I don't want to go. I don't want to do this. They are my children. They are american. I don't want to acknowledge any other family or heritage. By planning now, I will be ready in six years. I will be ready to face the next step growth for my children. My goal is to always be there for them.
We are currently discussing the birth parent search. This sounds like a simple question. Do I search for the birth parents of my children or not? This seems like a simple question with a simple answer. Of course. Then I have access to medical information and personal information for my children. But the real question is... do I search for the birth parents of my children?
I am finding this to be a tough question in many ways. I would be lying if I said that I don't find this threatening to me as a mom. The birthmom has done nothing wrong in the eyes of my children. She has never said 'no' to unhealthy snacks. She has never enforced bedtime. She has never yelled in anger. She is a saint. While I know she has never spent 4 nights in the hospital when my son was sick or coached my daughter in fractions, these are things easily forgotten by seven year olds. While we talk about the birthmom freely in our house, she is still a mystery and shrouded in fairy tales. If my chilren are the Repunzel equivilent, what am I?
And then there is the birth father. A complete absense in the history of my children. I believe he takes up one line in the report of the birth family. My husband has no competition. I am both envious of my husband and saddened for my children. There is absolutely no way for us to ever find the birth father.
So now what?
Against ever fiber of my mommy-being, I believe that we will have to search for the birth mother. At sometime, my chilren will deserve to know and to make the decision to meet her or not. I can see the heartache in my future, but being a good mother means putting your children first and I believe that my children will need this connection. I am still planning on putting this off for another year and I will not tell my children until they are older, but I will have the information waiting for them when they are ready.
When will they be ready?
Well, actually, I don't know. My kids are already asking a lot of questions about Guatemala. It holds an almost mythical quality to them. They know it is their birthplace and they want to see it. They want to go back. They are seven now and I believe we will take them to latin america before they are ten. I think this will be a tough, emotional trip for them and I want them to take it before they are old enough to pull back from me. I want to be able to be there for them when they have questions.
For our trip to Guatemala, I'm unsure at what age we will actually travel. I am not comfortable in the country right now. I don't believe it is terribly safe. On the other hand (I have many hands) safe or not, we will need to make the trip. Perhaps twelve or thirteen will be the right age.
Some people might wonder why I am thinking so hard about something that is so far away. I have a good reason. I don't want to go. I don't want to do this. They are my children. They are american. I don't want to acknowledge any other family or heritage. By planning now, I will be ready in six years. I will be ready to face the next step growth for my children. My goal is to always be there for them.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sarah
Tonight I'm thinking about my friend, Sarah. Sarah is in her first year of marriage and is in labor with her first child at a measly 23 weeks. She also has medical problems of her own. I'm worried about both of them.
All of her friends are waiting to hear any news. Waiting to see if there is anything we can do to help. Waiting sucks.
During a wait like this, it seems that all of us are reflecting on our own lives and our own choices. I remember the two years of trying to conceive. The stress every month with the pregnacy test came back negative. I remember wondering what I had done wrong. Was it the glass of wine? Was it because I was too stress out? I'll never know. My husband and I fall into the 2% of couples who have no medical reason for not getting pregnant. We just don't.
I also remember the two years of waiting for my children to arrive. We had brief passes with domestic adoption. There was the friend of a friend who changed her mind. There was the girl who was diagnosed with an immediate terminal illness. Internationally, there were closed countries everywhere we went. There was a lot of waiting. Then, there were my twins.
As I talk to my girlfriends, each of us is thinking along these same lines. We are thanking our lucky stars for the children we have regardless of how difficult the road was. We're looking back at past pregnacies and past adoptions and past difficulties. We're remembering how lucky we are to have the families that we do.
Ironically, we're also reflecting on the children we wanted and never had. It's surprising how much grief is also tied up with families. A young girlfriend of mine is trying to decide if she will be able to have a second child after a difficult delivery with her first. A second girlfriend is remembering her many miscarriages. I still wish for our third child, an adoption we could not afford.
I often think that this is the hidden life of women. The life or the part of us that men are not a part of. Don't get me wrong, my husband held my hand through every up and down, but it is different for him. This is something that binds all women together.
Tonight, my thoughts and prayers are with Sarah and her unborn baby. I am praying for the best for them both.
All of her friends are waiting to hear any news. Waiting to see if there is anything we can do to help. Waiting sucks.
During a wait like this, it seems that all of us are reflecting on our own lives and our own choices. I remember the two years of trying to conceive. The stress every month with the pregnacy test came back negative. I remember wondering what I had done wrong. Was it the glass of wine? Was it because I was too stress out? I'll never know. My husband and I fall into the 2% of couples who have no medical reason for not getting pregnant. We just don't.
I also remember the two years of waiting for my children to arrive. We had brief passes with domestic adoption. There was the friend of a friend who changed her mind. There was the girl who was diagnosed with an immediate terminal illness. Internationally, there were closed countries everywhere we went. There was a lot of waiting. Then, there were my twins.
As I talk to my girlfriends, each of us is thinking along these same lines. We are thanking our lucky stars for the children we have regardless of how difficult the road was. We're looking back at past pregnacies and past adoptions and past difficulties. We're remembering how lucky we are to have the families that we do.
Ironically, we're also reflecting on the children we wanted and never had. It's surprising how much grief is also tied up with families. A young girlfriend of mine is trying to decide if she will be able to have a second child after a difficult delivery with her first. A second girlfriend is remembering her many miscarriages. I still wish for our third child, an adoption we could not afford.
I often think that this is the hidden life of women. The life or the part of us that men are not a part of. Don't get me wrong, my husband held my hand through every up and down, but it is different for him. This is something that binds all women together.
Tonight, my thoughts and prayers are with Sarah and her unborn baby. I am praying for the best for them both.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)